My gospel

Well I have had such an overwhelming spiritual week that I had to blog. Well as most of you know I am not perfect when I comes to religion and I am too high strung to be that way. (or at least that is how my bishop puts it) Well Bryn has made an awesome decision to get baptised. And to be honest it is one she has made completely on her own. I would like her to wait for the reason that I would like to be getting baptised right now and having the years of bad decision making washed away!!! HA HA I am only kidding. But she is overly excited and is truly aware of the decision she is making. I could not be prouder. She is amazing!!! Bryn has asked my Dad to baptise and confirm her... my Grandpa baptised me (dang I miss him) and so it brings back awesome memories of my special day. Well needless to say Satan has wanted to ruin this day. I do not have to ask her Dad for permission bc I have FULL custody of my kids, but for the sake of trying to make our relationship better I felt the need to not ask but just tell about the decision Bryn had made. He was ok w her getting baptised... Just didn't want my dad to do it. Well who the heck did he think was going to do it? And he threatened to have it stopped by the courts. Well good luck w that!!! Anyways, I've felt unworthy lately bc of bad decisions I had made. But again that is just Satan trying to destroy this day.

Well I have made a big decision myself. I have put back on my garments and am working very diligently to get back to the temple. I haven't told anyone. This is my secret... well was till I decided to blog about it :) I have felt more peace in this secret than I have w any other big decision I have made this year. It has never been the gospel that I didn't believe in, it has been the members. But this is about me and not them! I hope to be to the temple soon and I am thankful for the gospel and especially my Savior. The last couple months we've become very close. I give most of the credit to my children for making me feel this way. They are pure, innocent and love me more than I deserve. And I am blessed to be their mommy. I am thankful for my crappy life everyday! It has humble me and my children. But bonded us for life. How could I not be grateful?

Worst and Best week ever!

Well I thought things were going pretty well and to say the least that was my biggest mistake! I know that my life does not seem glamorous or that for no reason should anybody be jealous of me, but I thought I had my life under control and was extremely happy. HA! Lets just say that once you have an ex husband they never go away! I have excepted the fact that he will never pay for them or exercise his visitation. But I had no idea his dishonesty would effect my little family in such a way that I would doubt I can raise these kids myself. To be fair to him... actually I no longer feel a need to be nice of fair to him. He is a DEAD BEAT DAD! And that may even be nice to just call him that instead of lots of things that are inappropriate to post:).....

Well back to my week on Wednesday I found out that I had to take care of some of his unfinished dishonest business. Which I think is bull shit! Then on Friday he shows up to the daycare to bring Bryn a bday present. And of course he is the hero and makes all these promises he WILL NOT keep to her. And who gets left cleaning up the trail of shit he leaves?.... yes that would be me! I am pissed! He was supposed to have her on her bday and of course makes some excuse about being too poor to take her. Well in his backyard of his beautiful home his other kids have blow up toys, pools and every Wii game there is. Huh and I am wondering how I am going to feed MY kids this month. (weird that he can afford all that but bitches about money) Then my son stabbed my brand new table with a fork and thought it was funny! Yeah I coulda killed him. Then about 5 min later a bottle of DARK PURPLE finger nail polish broke on my carpet. I had had it! I called Nicholle and her and I went to Baskin Robbins and ate ice cream while she let me vent and cry. Thank you BFF! Then we had planned a girls night out on Saturday. Just what the doctor ordered I thought. Well I was not in the mood and had fun but it was only a temporary fix. I have not been this depressed in a LONG time! I need to pull out of it and get over it. But for some reason this is just lingering and I can not shake it! And that is not like me. I do not feel I need medication but maybe a vacation:)

Okay now that I have sat on my pity pot i will flush and move on to the best part of my week.

On Thursday the young women in my ward come and watch my kids for service hours and so I get a few hours to myself. Well I am training to run the Vegas half Marathon in December so this gives me a great free time to train. So a few of us that are running it were meeting at Copper Hills High School to run the track and the bleachers. So on my way out the door a good guy friend of mine called and asked if he could take me to dinner. I explained that I was going running and would call him later. So off to the high school I went. Well my right glut had been bothering me because I have been working out with a personal trainer and we had really kicked it up a notch. So needless to say I was slow and it was way hot but I had a good time. I even joked with the crew that I was a couple days away from being a man hater! Ha ha. JK everyone knows I love all you men:) So I headed home. When I got home there were 2 cards sitting on my table. I asked the young women who they were from. They said my "friend" had stopped them by. I was confused????? One card was for me and the other for Bryn. I open mine and inside was some money and a note that said he knew I needed it. So I took Bryn her card and she opened it and inside was money for her with a note that said go get all you need for your baptism. I had been wondering and praying that I could make Bryn's day special for her and now I could. I called my friend and told him I could not accept the money. He said that I could and would and there were no strings attached. I was at this point bawling so hard all I could muster was a quiet THANK YOU!

I am truly thankful for all the TRUE FRIENDS I have in my life. They have got me through the roughest time. And I feel truly blessed that they are my friends. I hope someday I can repay them by being just as great of a friend.

So Bryn and I went shopping on Saturday and got a elegant dress that is just her style. And she had beautiful pics taken on Sunday. Damn I am in trouble when she gets older, and America's next top model better watch out!!!!!!!

I'll Wasatch your back....If you'll Wasatch mine

Well it's over, and yes I am alive. I ran the Ragnar Relay (wasatch back) this past weekend! It was my first race and boy was it a big one. I ran 3 legs of the race! I was runner 8 and ran close to 20 miles in less than 24 hours. WTF?

My first leg was almost 4 miles... I ran it at 3:30pm on Friday through the Ogden valley...and it was hot!!! I would like to thank the very good looking National Guard runners who gave me water and a cat call as I ran by! Also, my team was amazing! I knew no one in my van but yet they made me feel right at home. I passed a cute gal and we started running together and we were about a mile from the next exchange point... she started to fall behind, so I slowed down and said, "come on girl we are gonna finish this together!" We started talking about where we were from and our kids... it was really cool to meet new peeps like that along your legs... And we did finish together! After she thanked me and said I had really kept her motivated! I was over come with emotion as everyone who passed my slow butt said encouraging words and made me feel like i was not crazy for doing this race. I finished well under a 10 minute mile! Yeah for me!! After our van was through with our first leg we headed to a park in Morgan to get some grub. At this point I had drank so much water I thought I was going to burst! So of course all my new found friends were making jokes and drinking water in front of me! Thank you Larry and Levi for almost making me pee my running shorts:)! When we got to the park some runners were already sleeping.... Fazoli's was there serving a $5 all you could eat dinner. So we ate! I'm pretty sure it was really gross, but we were all starving and tired so it was gourmet to us! So we ate our fill and headed to our first major exchange point where we would meet up with the other van. Mike in our "athletic suppoter" van had cots and sleeping bags waiting for us. I was exhausted! We were at Echo and all I wanted was a shower.... and of course there were none. So I took a whore bath in the ladies room! Yeah not really my style, but whats a dirty girl gonna do?:) I laid down on my cot and Mike gave me a killer massage.... but sleep would not come! I rolled over and looked above me and right smack above me was the BIG DIPPER! So Larry and I started pointing out all the constellations we knew. Wow it was amazing! I tried for 2 more hours to sleep but where we were there was too much commotion for me. So we headed out on our 2nd leg with no sleep for any of us. I was beyond exhausted and still had close to 15 miles left to run. Man... I thought I was in trouble!

I started my second leg shortly after 1:00am on Saturday morning. I was freezing. I was running down a canyon to the small town of Henefer. I started out in capri's and shed those about 2 miles in to my almost 8 mile run. Now if you know me, you know I am afraid of the dark....so i was super nervous for this run. I ran down this beautiful canyon and had an awesome pace and felt great... I crossed the freeway overpass and saw the most awesome, brilliant full moon ever! I felt so small at that point (not in a bad way) I felt charged by my new found friend the moon and completed probably one of my best and most memorable runs ever just over 8 min miles! Hell Yay! When my team picked me up I was tired! But again sleep would not come in the crowded van. We drove to North Summitt High when our 2nd legs were all complete.... I showered with a whole bunch of naked women in a community shower....which I did wear my flip flops:) I laid down next to my team on rock hard mats in the gym... again I could not sleep! I tried really hard too:( I was nervouse for my next leg because it was almost 6.5 miles and I was running on low. For a moment I thought... Why did I do this? But my kick A team kept me motivated! So we all piled into the van... no one looked too excited and we headed to the next major exchange. We arrived shortly before the first van did. And I have to thank Lisa and James for motivating me to finish! So off we went again!

My 3rd leg through Midway to Wasatch Mountain State Park was just after 12:30pm and DAMN it was hot. I was beyond tired and my right hammy was in a lot of pain! I just kept thinking the pain would stop after my muscles got warmed up.... but it got worse! 2 miles into this leg I knew I was in trouble! BIG TROUBLE! My team had stopped and we "bengayed" me up! It helped for a little but then I was back in pain. With about 3 miles left my ipod died! My only motivation outside my team was gone and I was truly discouraged now! I had worked hard on my playlist and it was awesome! What else could go wrong? Ha ha . About a mile later a passed a cute gal who looked like she was done for.... I started talking to her and we decided to motivate each other... Her team was "GIRL's NITE OUT" (shout out to you ladies) we decided to finish this shit because we were both done! So her and I ran and finished it together! WHAHOO I was done... I had made it alive and successfully finished my first race ever!!!!

Now we ran the last .5 mile as a team... all 12 of us, and again my emotions came out as we crossed the line together and out medals were placed around our necks! I didn't cry on the outside... and believe me it took everything I had not too! Some of you may think I am dumb but I finished it! I was fast for me and I did it with no sleep and not very good eats.... I am fo sho proud of me! And I am doing it again next year!

Here I go!!!

Well I have officially been asked to be part of an awesome relay team which will run the Wasatch Back in June! I am so excited and scared at the same time. The team is awesome and not too competitive which will be nice because I am totally their to just have a blast! My doctor gave me the approval this morning to run it. He did limit the amount of miles he will let me run at a time, but I totally now have him on my side. Before he did not want me running at all... pshhh like I could do that! I have to agree with him I like to push things a little too far, but if I didn't I wouldn't be who I am.

Surviving

Survive: To get along or remain healthy, happy, and unaffected in spite of some occurence...

Wow! This is the only word to describe my life thus far. I have twice before dealt with cervical cancer and am currently going about it for the 3rd time. This time I am more scared than I have ever been! I have been fortunate to never have had to endure Chemo, I am blessed that mine is treatable and is not at this point life threatening. But i am a planner and I did not plan this! My daily routine that I am accustomed to is about to change and if you know me this is where I will struggle the most. I'm just gonna to put on my big girl panties and deal with it!:)

Being a Mom

Well i have 3 of the best kids ever! I know that everyone says that.... But truly in that area I am blessed beyond belief. My kids give me hope, strenghth and joy. I still do not understand how one minute you can be so angry and the next feel such unconditional love.

My oldest Brynlee...opps i mean Bryn (recently I was informed to only call her Bryn... WHATEVA!) Everyone needs one just like her. She is the best kid. I am truly honored to be her mother. She has been dancing and playing softball... And WOW is she talented at both! She is struggling with which she would like to persue on a higher level. She is getting to the bratty stage with clothes and shoes... But she is always the first to help me and make sure I know how much she loves me!

Jaycee is the middle one. ( and yes there is some middle child syndrome with her) She is the one who wants to make me pull my hair out most days. But we are so alike on some levels that it is almost scary! *** yes mom you were right i got one just like you*** i mean me:)! She is my princess! The girly of all little girls. I remember being pregnant with her and not thinking I could love another child as much as I did Brynlee... Well yeah I do love her just as much. Jaycee is not at all ike her older sister and is content to sit and do nothing. All the while coconspiring with her younger brother against me! But she can not lie... and everytime I get mad those huge blue eyes fill up with tears and she immediatly confesses. It's sweet and I hope it lasts:)

Camden Camden Camden! He is my man! He is so DAMN handsome I can't stand it! He is the center of attention always.... if not he'll do something to make sure he is. He is so active I need to bottle and sell his energy! I would be a millionaire!!! He is playing T-ball and it causes me fits of laughter every game. He thinks he is headed for the major leagues! But this guy protects me like a guard dog! He wont let anyone be mean to me or he will never tease me. I have my knight in shining armor!