Sunday, January 30, 2011


I am going to vent and then I will be DONE.

My sweet Jaycee is going to have to have surgery...this SUCKS! I hate her being sick all the time and I hate how much money all this is costing me. We go in on Feb. 8Th to find out what exactly her surgery will all include. I know it will involve her bladder, left ureter, and left kidney....sounds like a lotta stuff to me.

I hate that her Dad has no idea that she is even sick, or that he hasn't cared to see her for well over 2 years!!!! Almost 3 years he hasn't seen her. He hasn't seen her since she was 5, Camden was 3 and Bryn was 7. I don't get it???? I never will, but it bothers me when she has to go through this that it is ALL on me. I have more that I CAN handle right now.

I hate school! I feel stupid and inadequate. I hate it! I want to be a nurse so bad, but I am not able to do it all. I feel overwhelmed with just being a single mom...I hate that too!!!

I miss my old new ward is nice, but I feel like I don't belong. I am praying this will get easier.

I wish I had better parents who would help me and love me for me. There isn't much I can do about this, but I wish it was different.

I am scared I will be alone forever....this scares me a lot. I want to be loved, and to love again. This is the deepest desire of my heart.

My Bishop randomly asked to meet with me today. I cried A LOT. He promised me A LOT of things, but I do not feel worthy of his promises. I hate this feeling. I don't want to burden him with my problems.

I want single friends. I love my friends dearly, but I need some that understand the CRAP that comes with single life.

I hate being a Mom sometimes. It breaks my heart to say this, but I do feel this way. I LOVE my kids, but again feel inadequate when it comes to raising them alone.

I am scared to go to the temple...I have had a recommend to a year now and haven't used it. I am really scared.

It looks like I need to find my BIG GIRL PANTIES!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

IDK, my BFF Gail?

The week before Christmas I was working a lot, taking care of three kids, and trying to get Christmas bought for my kids. Needless to say I was exhausted! I had just finished up the CRAPPIEST semester of my life, and I didn't pass one of my classes:( I was feeling defeated and blue.

Well apparently one night I was not doing a great job of hiding this and it showed. A sweet lady came through my line at work. I noticed her because she was wearing a hat like Crocodile Dundee and I was almost sure she had a knife in her belt ready to skin a gator. I know I shouldn't have judged her, but I meant no harm...oh and we get ALL kinds at work.

As I was ringing her up she said I look tired. Which I think is a polite way of saying, " You look like crap, but I don't want to hurt your feelings. " Anyways, I explained that I hadn't been sleeping well and that I had just finished up school. She said I should try some lavender on my pillow and that would help me. I politely told her I would try it.

I thought she was sweet for suggesting it to me and really thought I should try it. Well about a half hour later she came back through my line again. As she approached me she had the hugest smile on her face:) She then handed me a small bottle and told me "Merry Christmas!"

It was a bottle from Bath and Body Works....Sleep spray...Lavender Chamomile. I asked her her name. She replied, "Gail Springer." I of course started to cry and gave her a huge hug!!!

I am grateful for small selfless things like this that put me in the Christmas spirit! I am thankful for the kindness of strangers!

I hope Gail had a wonderful Christmas, because she sure made mine!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Best Buds

For Christmas this year we gave my dad tickets to a Jazz game. The only exception is that he had to take Camden! HA ha!!

Well I don't know about my dad, but Camden has been so excited!!! Camden planned his outfit out last night and could hardly sleep.

We meet my dad at the mall because my mom wanted to exchange a shirt I had bought her for Christmas. So my dad took Cam, and Jaycee and I hung out with my mom. I do sometimes dread hanging out with my mom. She can be critical of a lot of things, and she is not very supportive of my living situation...which complicates a lot of things in my life. But tonight was different??? She was very sweet and grateful I was willing to help her exchange her shirt. She even bought me and Jaycee dinner....mmmmm California Pizza Kitchen!!!

It was on the way home that it felt the weirdest, but in a good way. My mom complimented me and said I am doing a GREAT job with my kids and that she is proud of me. (Whoa!!! OK that has like NEVER happened.) She said she know I have a lot on my plate, but that I am doing well with what I have.

I am still in awe that this convo took place!

I love my mom, but we have never seen eye to eye. She tries to control a lot of things that aren't hers to control. She can never let the past go and that makes it hard. I hope my mom and I can strive to get along more and have more nights like this. :)

Well Camden had a BLAST!!! He loves #8 because he always score the points. Ha ha! And the gave him a giant Jazz flag...which I am not sure where we will put it. He is so excited to tell all his friends about it. My dad and Cam are for sure best buds.

Sunday, January 2, 2011


I feel like the moons are aligned wrong, or there is something in the water.

A LOT of people I know are going through divorces right now. Some are separated and considering it, or they are going through it.

I felt for a long time that I was the only one divorced...5 years now...yuck!

I am here to tell you that sometimes divorce is necessary, but other times it seems more convenient than anything. I remember a couple years ago I was sitting at the salon and the lady that was doing my nails introduced me another female customer who was going through a divorce. As her and I were talking, the conversation turned to " why are you divorced? " I explained the whole affair/pregnancy details of my divorce. ( I usually say more than I should, or more than they care to hear) She then explained that the reason she was getting a divorce was because her husband never made dinner for her. Seriously????? They had kids and everything!!! I felt so weir talking to her. I think I wanted to smack her! Is it too convenient now? Is it necessary??

I hate that I am divorced, but believe me I do not want to be married to my ex! I hate that I automatically have baggage! I feel judged and looked down I have failed or something?

If you are considering the big D...think long and hard. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

Divorce does not solve your marital problems....sometimes they are worse after.

I hate to even talk about this, but I just feel so sad that so many friends are going through this :(