Monday, August 31, 2009


I saw HIM tonight.
It was very unexpected, very scary.
The truth is that I still love HIM.
Not the way you might think.
HE made me feel very beautiful, special and worthy of someone like HIM when we were together.

HE is getting married.
I am so happy for HIM.
HIM and I are not meant to be, I called it off twice.
Yet there was that twinge/pang in my heart when HE told me.
We talked like no time had passed at all....oh how I love that about us.

I hope she knows she is lucky to have HIM.
If I didn't have 3 beautiful kids it would be me HE would be marrying....
thus why I called it off.
But I know we are not meant to be, so all I can be is happy for HIM, and thankful for all he taught me.

HE was proud of me for sticking in school.
HE is the reason I am still in school.
HE is so happy she is no longer in my life...even though it's been very hard for me.
I want to thank HIM for being in my life, and for all he has done for me.

I wonder if I ever cross his mind?

The results are in

Jaycees GI doctor (who I LOVE btw) called 6 minutes earlier than she told me she would...Dang I love her promptness. She said that Jaycee has an infection in her small intestines that has been there for a long time (possibly years). She also has gastrointestinitis (not sure about the spelling). These are treatable by meds, and Jaycee should feel a lot better within a week.

In reading a lot about celiac disease and the benefits from not having gluten in our diets, I am strongly considering going gluten free.

Gluten has been linked to autism, ADHD, and several other diseases. There are no reason we need gluten, and many diets are gluten free. I think I will try it and see if there is any improvement in Jaycee. And possibly I can get the last 15 lbs off!!!

Sunday, August 30, 2009


Tomorrow I will find out what has been making Jaycee so ill. I am so anxious! It could be a million things. Everyone I talk to about it has had the same thing happen to them or someone they know...and every time they tell me about it, I get more anxious!

So to curb my anxiety I broke the Sabbath and went to Walmart to get some red velvet's my fav and they always have pieces you can buy! Well to my surprise they had a red velvet cupcake with cream cheese frosting and red velvet crumbs on top. Yahoo! Red velvet and cream we are talking! It made me feel better:)

I would just like to thank everyone who has left messages or brought her stuff to make her feel reminds me that even though I am single, I am not alone:)

Love you all!

Friday, August 28, 2009


Today Jaycee told me she stood up in front of her class and told them all about her "fluency shot!"

I could only imagine she was talking about her "flu" shot she got last year. She proceeded to explain her story when I realized she was talking about the 2 IVs she got when they did her endoscopy on Tuesday!!!

I am sure she made her teachers day:)

She sure made mine!

Like a fire

I have recently again struggled with my testimony. To be honest I sometimes (more often than not) feel forgotten. I hate being single, although marriage does not always sound better! Raising children is not something I have ever wanted to do alone.

I feel guilt that I am not a good enough mom, that what their dad has done to them will screw them up why try?

But then in my heart I know that HE is there. That HE loves me and that with HIM I can do it. I know it is not going to be easy....but with HIM by my side, I CAN!

I hope I have more CAN days in the future!


I have been sick now for a week! I went to the doctor on Wednesday, after I sat in my first class of the new fall semester, coughing and receiving dirty looks from fellow students and the professor.

I have bronchitis and was put on a z-pack, cough medicine and an inhaler. But I have been on them for 3+ days and still feel crappy!!!

I want to breath again....inhale, exhale and not have boogers fly out of my nose!!!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


Jaycee was just taken back to the procedure room. She will have biopsies of her esophagus, stomach and small intestine. I think that the saying goodbye to her as she walked back through the double doors SUCKS! I hate that feeling!

She is far braver than I am. The cute nurses ruined her first IV and they had to give her another...I wasn't happy, but she did not even whimper!

I love Jaycee more than I can express in words. She is my personality twin. She looks exactly like her dad, but everything under the skin in 100% me! I think that is why we clash sometimes. We are both independent, stubborn, but lovers.

I hope she will be ok, and the Dr will come back and say that magically she is cured. But I know that no such miracles exist for her. I am hoping it is just celiac. I know that even that will be hard for me given my current situation, but anything worse I am not prepared for.....

I hope all will be well.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Beyond that point

Everyone talks about getting to "that" point. Well I have reached it and beyond!!! I screamed at my kids the other day because they had 4 hours to clean their rooms and the ignored me like a didn't exist! Needless to say...I have a sore throat! (guess that's what I get)

I have since taken away both girls littlest pet shop and CD players....

They did clean their room at that point, and they will have to earn them back!

Jaycee is going into have an endoscopy tomorrow and I am freaking out!

Oh and I start school on Wednesday and haven't got half of the in between semester chores done!


Thursday, August 13, 2009

Burn Camp 2009

This is my 8th year at this camp. If you are one of the 2 people that read my blog then you know about my nephew Alex that was burned 11 years ago. So, this camp has a very very special place in my heart.

I went to the U at 9am for our staff training. In the past this is something that I dread because I have been a counselor for so long it's very repetitive for me. But this year it went by fast, and I was actually impressed with how smoothly it went. Brad, Ratch and Kristin are the directors of the camp and have the biggest hearts of anyone I know.

At about 3pm we headed up to the camp. The Boys Scouts are very generous and let us use Camp Tracy in Millcreek canyon for free. And I would like to personally thank them, they always are very good to us while we are there. We set up camp and the campers started showing up at about 5pm.

I had 2 campers this year and am not allowed to give names or their stories, for they are their stories to tell. But I enjoyed both girls very much, and miss them a lot. Every camper has a story and each is unique and very personal to me. I love these campers so much and they give me WAY more than I give them. This camp is a healing place for all of us.

Some things this year that I did and am way proud of are: Climbing the rock wall all the way to the top, participating in the skits, and not being terrified of the smelly canoe water.

Somethings I didn't like are: my camper taking pictures of me when I was not dressed, the magic show that comes every year needs to get some new tricks, no square dancing (i seriously love it!), and some small drama between me and another counselor.

I felt very much more involved in this camp than I have in the past. I am in a good place right now, and the future is looking bright.

Someone said this year that camp is more like family and I would have to agree. I have made so many friends that I have made there that the friendships and true and will last forever.

To the camp directors Brad, Ratch and Kristin....Thank you for letting me be a part of this. I am honored that you want me involved, and thank you for being such wonderful people and amazing examples to me. I am proud to call you my friends!!

To my friends...Brandy, Janette and Mitch (and all other counselors) I love you and thank you for your friendships. I enjoy seeing and spending camp with you. Thank you for your love!

I can't wait to do it again next year!

I can't post pics of the kids, but will have the link for the pics soon!